Thursday, May 30, 2013

We meet again, aunt Flo!

Ya know, I am really sick of meeting aunt Flo.  I mean I've never been a big fan of her, but now I really dislike hate her! I was able to start testing on Monday, the 27th, so of course I did.  It came back negative, so I tested again on the 28th, negative.  I didn't test on the 29th, because I felt like she was coming and I was right... she came today in the middle of work.  Part of my heart knew she was coming, but there was another part of me that had a little bit of hope that I was actually be pregnant, especially since it was just my birthday and that is all I wanted for my birthday.  Well, maybe for our anniversary next month? I am just so sad...

I am confused on this ovulating business.  When I went to Dr. T on the 13th, he said I had 3 mature follicles on one side and a few small ones on the other, as well as awesome lining.  He said I would probably ovulate within a day or two.  I had been testing, but it all came back negative.  When I got home late that night on the 13th, I tested and it came back positive, even though the morning test didn't.  Cory was already at work, so we missed that day.  My question is, did we miss that early window?  Obviously we took advantage of the next couple days, but is the day before ovulation and the first day of ovulation really important?  Should I be doing my Basal Body Temperature (BBT)?  I don't want to get too crazy with this, but I feel like for both months we missed the first day, so I'm wondering if that has something to do with it? Any ideas? I know I am more of a private blog and I haven't opened up to anyone close to me (besides a select few), but if you are reading this and you have an idea, can you please let me know? 

I called Dr. T to see what the next step is, so now we wait.  Tomorrow is the last day of school and I am ready for SUMMER! I was so sad to see my seniors leave, but knowing that I get these kiddos next year makes me want summer.  I need time away from kids, coworkers, and my classroom :) 

Well, until next time, God bless...

Friday, May 24, 2013

Alienated...

When we began our journey toward building a family, I really felt like things were okay.  What I mean by that is that we had a good group of friends, I enjoyed my coworkers, I loved going to baby showers, and I felt good.  I never really realized how good I felt until recently, when I began to feel angry and lost at the sight of a "like" on a Facebook post about a baby, or a pregnancy announcement at work, or an ultrasound picture plastered on the NEWS wall at work.  You see, none of these things would have bothered me before, but for some reason, they tear at my heart and crush my inner being lately.  I feel alienated.

I think what really set it off was the decision to cancel being a bridesmaid in my friend Christy's wedding.  I was so excited to be in her wedding because it was an absolute honor to be asked.  I adore Christy and I so want to stand next to her on her wedding day, when she makes a promise to her husband, and to get crazy with her at the reception.  However, I had to make a decision to put myself first and focus on what is going on in our life... trying to have a baby.  I could have chosen to stay in the wedding, but the stress of the dress (not knowing what size I would be if I got pregnant), sticking with all of the charting and medications (which can really mess with your emotions), and everything else was just too much for.  When I told Christy I couldn't do it, it was then that I realized how different I am than my other friends/coworkers, and it hurts.  

It hurts to see them so excited about their newborn sleeping through the night.  It hurts to see them walk in a 5k with their friends and their newborns.  It hurts to see them post pictures of their little one graduating from preschool.  It hurts to see pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  It hurts that I feel like my coworkers don't value me as much because I am not an experienced parent.  It hurts when I see "likes" for every. single. stinkin'. baby picture.  It just plain hurts. Now, don't get me wrong... I am beyond excited because every baby is a blessing and it is an honor to have a child, but it still hurts, and for that, I am not sorry. All of these things make me feel alienated from the rest of the world.

At times, I feel like I am not good enough to be a teacher because I don't have the "motherly" experience that pretty much all of my coworkers possess. I connect with my students in a way that bugs some of my coworkers (they don't say it, but I can tell), since I am so close to them.  But in all honestly, I don't have children on this earth, so 100% of my heart is devoted to my students, their activities, their drama, their everything, because I look at them like they are my kids.  My favorite saying for teaching is, "I call my students "my kids" because in our year together they aren't just kids on my class list, they become a part of my heart!"  Some of my kiddos I have had for many years, and throughout our time together, I have learned so much about them that it is impossible not to call them my kiddos. Even though this bothers some people, it is what it is and I'm not going to complain about it. Will I still be as involved in their everything when I have a child to take care of? Probably not, since my focus will be on raising our child, but I will still care so immensely and they will know it, because after all, that is what teaching is all about!

Since I don't feel like my coworkers support me that much, it is really hard to open up to them about our struggles to have children and all of the things going on in our life. I wish they could get a glimpse of what has happened to us the last two years so they can understand how it is a struggle, some days, to truly keep going, but other days, it is good.  I want to open up so they can understand why I may be moody, hot, or irritable some days, but honestly, it is really hard to do it.  Nevertheless, there is one coworker who has been an absolute blessing and it is nice to have her to confide in! It is nice to share information so I don't feel like we are so alone in this journey.  Thank you, Janet, for being a blessing!

I guess where I am getting at is that not having a child on earth makes me feel different than everyone else, like I am somehow less than them, and like I am alone.  I know this feeling doesn't happen all the time and it does get better, but I think it's because I keep thinking about our first two little ones and what we would be doing... either playing at the park or suffering through the heat while I am 7 months pregnant. I try hard not to think about "what should have been" because it doesn't make me feel good, but sometimes, it is tough.

Well, until next time... God bless!


Monday, May 13, 2013

Let Go and Let God...

If you are reading this blog, then you probably already know that I like to be in control.  Not necessarily in a demeaning way, but I like to know plans, take control of them, and know that I can change them.  This is how I have been all of my life, so it doesn't surprise me at all.  There have been many times in my life where I have not been able to control the situation, but none of them have really impacted me too much. Until now.  The fact that I do not have control over our situation is really hard for me to accept.  

I never really thought of getting pregnant as a "control" thing, until I was so absorbed in our pregnancy results and the fact that they were negative that I broke down.  As tears filled my eyes, I told my mom how sad I was that it was negative. How angry I was that God wasn't working with us.  How I had such hopes for this month, yet it was pointless to believe it would happen.  As my mom sat and listened (she has gotten really good at that), she talked to me about giving it to God; letting go of being in control, since honestly, we aren't in control anyway.  I told her that I wanted to, but I just couldn't.  It seemed too hard to do.  My faith has been tested throughout my life, but I was always close to God.  She continued to listen and shared thoughts with me, and although I may not have wanted to listen, I knew she was right. She talked about how I would feel less weight on my shoulders and then maybe it wouldn't consume my every thought.  After talking with her about how I was feeling, my struggles, and what not all, we listened to a song called "Changed" by Rascal Flatts. The lyrics to the song are so fitting and they helped reassure me that I just need to Let Go and Let God.  This doesn't mean that it will be easy, or that things will always be positive, but it does mean that I am no longer taking control of it and I am letting HIM take control... even though He had control all along and I was the silly one thinking I had control... 

As you listen to this song, try and listen to the lyrics because they are pretty powerful! Alright God, this plan is Your plan and I am ready to see what happens... Until then, God bless!

I came up out of the water
Raise my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to Him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was goin'
It didn’t matter where I been
I’m not the same man I was then.

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
And the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am
Changed

I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry's”
The things I’ve done, man that was not me
I wish that I could take it all back
I just want to tell 'em that
Tell 'em that

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
And the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am

I’ve changed for the better
More smiles, less bitter
I even started to forgive myself

I hit my knees, I’m here, I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am, here I am
I'm changed
Yes, I am
I’m changed for the better

Thank God, I'm changed.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Darn 'ole Aunt Flo!

Ugh! That is how I feel about the fact that AF (Aunt Flo- my period) finally came.  On 4/29, the day we should have been celebrating a birthday, I was able to POAS.  Well, that test came back negative and I was heartbroken.  I sat in my recliner and cried.  I woke Cory up and cried in bed.  I went for a walk and cried as I watched the moms with their babies.  I couldn't get a grip; I was numb.  Throughout this last cycle, I tried not to get my hopes up, but I wanted to stay somewhat positive because I knew there could be a chance.  Well, AF never came, so I started to think that there may be a possibility that I could be pregnant...I didn't get too hopeful, but it definitely consumed me. I tested multiple times, and even got a new kind of test, but regardless, it came back negative. So, now we begin everything again and I deal with the cramps and what not all for the next five days.  Oh the joys of being a woman :)

Until my next post on "Giving it to God"... God bless!