Happy Birthday... in Heaven... 4/29

Dear Baby J #1,
It feels so weird to write to you, since you never even really knew us, but I am your mommy.  I've never written to you, but since today would have been your first birthday, so many emotions are going through me and I felt the need to write to you.  I can't guarantee this letter will make much sense, but I don't care.

When your daddy and I found out we were expecting, we were so excited.  I asked your daddy if he wanted a boy or a girl and all he said was, "I want the baby to be healthy... but I would love a little man to play legos with." I bet you can guess that I cried when I heard that.  From the beginning, I felt like you were a girl.  Honestly, I have no idea why and I know it sounds super silly, but I just had that feeling, and I don't care how silly it sounds.  We always called you baby J, but after you passed, I felt like you needed a name, to validate your existence in this world.  In our head, and in our hearts, we named you Taylor.   No one knows about this, except your daddy and me, but I had to write it down. It feels weird to put it in writing, like people will judge us or think we are weird, but that is their issue. This is our story, right? We felt Taylor was fitting for both a boy or a girl.  Now, if you would have been born and we would actually be celebrating your birthday, I know you would have a different name, but you are our Taylor.  Giving you a name makes you feel so real; it makes me feel like you were a part of us.  I know some people say we weren't even that far along, you were hardly even a thought, but you were a part of our lives for 8 weeks.  Yes, 8 whole weeks.  8 weeks where your daddy and I felt like a whole family.  8 weeks where we talked about you and everything about you. Would you have big, dark brown eyes like daddy or would you have little green eyes like mommy?  Although it wasn't that much time, we were able to love you more than you would ever know.  Today, as I sit and reflect about how different 4/29/13 would be, it hurts my heart.  I try not to think about "what could have been," because that doesn't make me feel good, but for today, I am.

I am such a planner and I know you would have had the best 1st birthday party.  It would have been filled with such love, family, and decorations galore.  I would have been stressing over the decorations and whether or not you would be happy or grumpy in front of all of our friends and family, while your grandparents would have been loving on you and spoiling you like crazy! Your grandpa Mark would have bought you super adorable clothes, your grandpa Tom would have made you something absolutely beautiful (probably a rocking horse or something), your grandma Brenda would have gotten you fun, educational toys, and your uncle Kyle would have gotten you super loud and obnoxious toys, just to spite us.  Honestly, I would take those super noisy toys just to have you here with us.  

I would have tried my best to make you the perfect "smashable" cake, even though I am not good at things like that.  I wonder if you would have dug right in, like your daddy did when he was little, or get grossed out when things were on your hands, like I did when I was little?  You would have an adorable outfit on and I can guarantee you that your daddy and I would have matched you and everyone would have given us a hard time.  I wish we were doing that right now...

Oh how I wish I didn't have to say "would have," but I do.  I think about you daily and I think about Baby J#2, too.  You two never leave my mind.  Everyone says there is a reason for why things happen, and although I don't understand this reason, I know there must be... It hurts so much to think about what we "could have had," if you were here with us.  

I desperately wish you were here and it pains me to not have you in my arms, but I know you are dancing in the beautiful gates of heaven, eating the best cake, playing with all of the other angel babies, and basking in the gifts and greatness of our Savior, far better than any gifts we could have given you.  I pray you always know how much we love you and how much we miss you.  Happy 1st birthday, Taylor, Baby J #1... we love you.

Love, 
Mommy and Daddy