Breaking it Down Part Four...

Well, I've reached the last part of the poem, What God Meant, and I think it is one that I struggle with the most, but yet one that makes me the most excited.  These are the words to the last part:

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

I know God has this super special plan for me, and although I feel blessed that He has this plan for a select group of us, it is still hard to believe at times.  I truly believe that God knows how badly we long for a baby to hold in our arms, a toddler to play at the park with, a preschooler to teach the alphabet to, a school-aged child to help at night with his/her homework, a teenager to disagree with, and a college student to help pave his/her way. Obviously this is only a teeny glimpse of what parenting is like, but I know God knows how badly we want to be parents to a child on earth.  Since we (infertiles) have had to overcome so many obstacles to even get pregnant and become mommies, it is inevitable that no other fertile woman will ever be able to feel that sheer happiness and joy that we know we will have.  Is it bad to say that? Maybe. However, no one can judge unless they have been in our shoes and know the pain and heartache we have gone through.  

I truly cannot wait until the day our baby is placed in our arms whether it is through our own birth, surrogacy, or adoption.  I know God wants me to have a baby and be a mother, but His plans and timing are just a little different than my own.  My mom always says that I will be a mother to a baby on earth and I will have a child, and even though it is hard to always believe that, I do know that moms are always right :) I sure hope I get that "always right" gene whenever I have a child.  

This poem is one that has truly helped me throughout my journey.  Even though my journey is nowhere near being over, it is nice to look at this when I need comfort when I am feeling lost or sad. Thank you to the author of this poem because this poem has not only helped me, but many others, too.  

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

 Until next time... God bless!
  

Breaking it Down Part Three...

As I think about the next part of the poem, What God Meant, I can't help but think these statements are true for so many things in life and not just the journey I am on.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

As I think about this, there are many times I have had to take a different path in life or have been stuck in the middle of the road, without any clue as to which direction to go.  It was during those times that I had to put complete trust in God and the plan He had for me.  God has given me this challenge, or fork in the road, because He knows I am strong enough for it and He knows I will become a better person because of it.  What would life be like without any forks in the road or challenges? Wouldn't it be boring? Sure, it may be less painful, but it is through our pain that we learn who we really are and who is there for us no matter what.

I have always referred to our situation as a journey and it is through this journey, that we have had to make tough decisions, go through hard situations, and pave our own path,  for the hope that someday we will have our little one in our arms.  God did not mean that I won't have children, but He did mean that I would have to struggle a little more for it to happen.  God meant that my children will just take a little longer to get here, but they will be just as loved, if not more, than they ever would have been. 

So, whenever I am struggling or wondering "why" this had to happen, I just have to remind myself that God has a better plan to make me an even better person and mommy and I will not let Him down because He is the ultimate, our Savior, and the one who died for our sins to be forgiven.  Although His journey may be different than the one I had planned, ultimately, He knows what is best for me.  

Until next time, God bless!

Happy Due Date... in Heaven... 7/16

Dear Baby J #2,

It seems somewhat weird to write to you, just like it did when we wrote to Taylor, but I am your mommy and I felt the need to write to you. Today would have been the day you were expected to grace us with your beautiful presence, July 16th, 2013. When the doctor first told us your due date, I was excited because it was so close to your aunt Ashley's birthday, which is on the 26th. Secretly I was hoping the doctor was a little off and you would share the same birthday with my best friend and one of your favorite aunt. I wasn't looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in the summer, but I would have been pregnant for much longer if it would have meant that you could be with us today.

As I reflect back to the short 8 weeks we had you, I can't help but smile.  Like Taylor, we were so excited for you and we were so thankful that God had finally blessed us with another little one. However, I had a hard time getting too attached because I was scared we would lose you.  Regardless, your daddy was so excited he could hardly contain himself.  Despite being scared and afraid, I loved you and wanted so desperately to get to know you. What would you be like? Who would you look like? Would it be a quick labor? Or, would it take a long time? Would we have a lot of visitors? Would you love your nursery and the home you were going to be raised in? All of these, and then some, are questions that I wondered in your short 8 weeks with us. 

Like our first baby, Taylor, we felt the need to name you, so it seemed real and like it actually happened.  It may be hard for others to understand this, but it gives us reassurance/proof that you were a part of our life.  When deciding a name, it was hard to come up with a gender neutral name that was fitting for you. After thoughtful discussion, we came up with Casey. It seemed like a sweet, innocent name for a baby taken too soon.  So, from here on out, you are our Casey, our little one, our baby J #2. I love thinking of you and Taylor and the joy you filled my heart with. Although it was only a short amount of time, you were so loved by your daddy and me. 

Here is the only picture we have of you. The doctor said you are that beautiful little white image in the middle of the screen. What a beautiful baby, our baby!

This poem says it all...

We completely trust in our Lord and know that Jesus just wanted you in Heaven so He could enjoy you.  He has such great plans for you and we firmly believe in the plan He has for us.  Although it is hard for us to believe it at times, our Faith is what has gotten us through these difficult years.  I know that we will have a baby in our arms someday, and even though it is taking longer than expected, we know God has a hand in it.  I look forward to meeting you in heaven and I hope and pray you can enjoy the playground in heaven.  Your mommy and daddy love you so much and they miss you even more.  Please watch over us and continue to give us the strength to keep on trying.  

All our love,
Mommy and Daddy

Some People...

For the past two months, we have been adding things to the docket to hopefully bring a life into this world.  After blood work, it was determined that I don't ovulate on a normal cycle. Therefore, it takes us a lot longer to get pregnant (11 and 13 months). Obviously we want to speed up this process, so I have been taking Letrozole (femara) and Clomid.  These medications have awful side effects- hot flashes, mood swings, headaches, constipation- just to name a few, but it will all be worth it when we have our child in our arms. I have heard some people say that taking medications to increase your chances of pregnancy isn't natural or "God's plan," but I say, until you have been in our exact shoes, zip it! I don't care if your mother's mom's sister's ex best friend got pregnant naturally... my body no longer will, all because of my miscarriages.  Can you tell I get sick of hearing this? Regardless, I am so thankful for the modern day medications that are helping my body produce the follicles it needs to, because lets me honest, I NEED those follicles :) God has blessed many wonderful people with the gift of medicine and the ability to create medicines that can help others, so why not embrace it, instead of criticize it? I tell ya, some people...

I heard this song on Pandora and I just loved it:

 

Until next time... God bless!

Breaking it Down Part Two...

As I look at the second part in the poem, What God Meant, I can't help but think of all of the different technologies and medicines that have been developed to help women, and men, with infertility.  Here are the two lines I am referring to...

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

Before we miscarried, I never thought much about infertility prescriptions.  I knew the existed, since several of my friends were on them, but I didn't know much about them.  As time went on, I soon learned way more than I ever thought I needed to know.  I grew to become educated in IUI, IVF, TI, BD, Clomid, Femara, HCG Trigger Shot, FET, Follitism, Menopur, and the list goes on and on.  I'm not saying I've done all of these, but these are just a few of the things available to couples trying to conceive (TTC). 

I don't really have a lot to say about the different medicines, equipment, or procedures, other than I am thankful that God has blessed people with the ability to create these things.  Without doctors and scientists, many women would not be able to get pregnant.  Oftentimes, TTC feels like a science experiment, and although that may be true, we must be thankful for this science experiment and the geniuses behind the different medicines, procedures, and so forth.

I pray I never have to move on to the more scientific procedures, but if that time comes, I will thank God for the knowledge He has filled doctors and scientists with!

Until next time, God bless!

July Photo a Day Challenge

I'm not sure if many people read this blog, since I haven't "come out" online about our journey, but if you happen to be reading this, then welcome! A blogger over at Dreamingofdimples posted the July Photo a Day Challenge and I am going to participate in it.  I figured it would help me get through this month and it would help me deal with certain parts of the infertility journey that have been difficult.  I just created an Instagram account, so you can follow me if you want- katiejeanne26 

I have posted the picture below so you can see the different "challenges" for the day.  If you would like, you may also participate in the photo challenge, but make sure to tag #ttcphotoaday in the picture so it goes to the group. Enjoy!

Until next time... God bless!

Breaking it Down...

The poem, What God Meant, is something that has really opened my heart and helped me find peace within our current situation.  Every morning, before I get out of bed, I read my daily devotion and this poem.  These two things help me start my day out on the right track and they fill my heart with hope and joy.  As I read the poem, I see so many deep meanings that I want to dive into more and write about.  I figured I would break it down so I can write about why I LOVE this poem and why I truly believe God has a plan for us.

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

Before we miscarried, my husband, Cory, and I had a strong relationship.  We were good at communicating with each other, we had fun, and we had a love that was so powerful and filled me with such joy.  I didn't think our relationship could get any stronger, and I didn't think I could love him anymore, but that all changed the day we lost our babies.  When I heard the words, "I'm sorry, but your baby will not make it and your body is going to miscarry," my heart sunk.  I clung to Cory with my everything because I didn't know what else to do.  I cried. We cried. We got mad at God. We questioned everything. We held onto each other.  At this moment, I knew that it was going to be okay because I was going through this journey with my best friend, partner, and sidekick.  I know it is cliche to say it, but truly, I clung to the hope of Cory's words, "God has a plan for us and He just wants our baby to watch over us from heaven." Hearing these words from Cory, amongst the tears from both of us, made me realize that it will be okay because I am not alone in this journey.  This journey has truly brought us closer together because it has helped open our eyes to the little things in life and it has made us even better communicators, Christians, and partners.  Despite all difficulties, we have become a better team and better partners to each other, which ultimately, will only makes us better parents.

Every month that I get a negative test, my heart sinks a little bit more and my eyes well with tears.  When I tell Cory "It was negative," we both feel defeated.  Although I express it more outwardly, I know it hurts Cory, too.  However, he is always there with something positive to say and he strengthens my love for him even more and he helps me see the good in a crappy situation.  Even though we have been knocked down several times, we can never stay knocked down because we have each other to help us get back up; this is one of the best parts.  

Although infertility has been a huge part of our life, it is NOT our life.  We have two precious angel babies in heaven, watching over us, and helping us through our tough days.  We have a Father in heaven who has a plan for us and is just waiting for the plan to unfold. We have incredible parents who help us see the good in this world and who are there to listen to us whenever we need them. We have amazing friends who only want the best for us and will help us in any way possible to achieve our dreams.  BUT, the most important thing, is we have EACH OTHER, despite infertility and its obstacles. We are so BLESSED to have each other.

Until next time... God bless!