Friday, October 27, 2017

I just don't know what to do...

Warning- this post will be all over the place... yikes.

Wow! It has been 2.5 years since I have blogged. It feels like just yesterday that Landon was a baby and now he is 3.5 years old. I wasn't ever sure where this blog was going to go, when I started, because it was just a place for me to vent and process my feelings while we tried to get pregnant. Then, when we got pregnant, I focused on that and we journaled about Landon's first year. SO much has happened since I last blogged- we sold our house in Austin, moved to the Cities and lived with my parents for 6 months, bought a house, taught in a new district, Landon started Preschool, began teaching in another new district, had my thyroid, parathyroid, and lymph nodes removed for suspicion of cancer, and now we want a baby, Uff-da, did you follow me?

The big reason I wanted to write today is because I have started to have the same feelings of jealousy, emptiness, and longing for a baby, that I did before. Even though I know it isn't ANYTHING truly like before, there is still this ache for a baby. However, the problem is that I haven't found a doctor who will work with me- give me Femara, the Ovidrel shot, and monitor me- in the Twin Cities area. They all say they need my BMI to be under a certain number and there is just no way this will happen for at least 2+ years. It's not possible. I get that they want me healthy, but who is to say that I won't have a healthy pregnancy? Geez, I was big when I had Landon and everything was fine. I know so many people who are small and the "ideal candidates" for pregnancy, still have issues. How can someone be so discriminatory?

I have cried so many tears over this and I don't know what to do. Do we look at surrogacy, adoption, wait several years? Ugh. We don't want our kids 5+ years apart, but that's where we are at right now. I feel so broken, sad, and mad inside. I wish I could get ahold of Femara and just take it on my own. I just need Femara and I think I will be okay. Obviously I could need more, but I just want something, anything, so I can move in the right direction.  Like honestly, what do I do?  I feel so lost, numb, and sad. As happy as I am about other things in life, I am still just so sad.

On top of this, two of my close friends, within our group of 5, are pregnant within 5 weeks of each other. They both did one round of fertility meds and got pregnant. One has two kids and the other one has one kid. I am SO happy for them, and wouldn't wish a long infertility journey on them, but I am jealous, especially of the friend who has two kids. Oh what I would give for Landon to have a sibling on Earth. The two friends get to go through this together and then here I sit. Ugh.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I think I need to start blogging again so I can work through the emotions instead of letting them eat away at me. If you are listening, thank you. Thank you for being there. If you have suggestions, please share them. For now, I begin writing so I can process my emotions.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Eleven Months- 2/19/15

Wow! Am I late to this post or what! Landon turns one next week and I am finally getting around to writing his eleven month post.  There has been so much going on in our life, that I have found it hard to sit down and write everything with attention to detail, like I want to. I really hope I can remember everything... yikes. I truly can't believe my sweet, little 6#10oz miracle baby is going to be ONE next week.  I know it sounds cliche, but time has truly flown by and I have never been happier, yet sad at the same time.  I have LOVED this past year and it is hard for me to know that he will no longer be this sweet little baby, but now he will be a sweet little toddler!  I love watching him learn new things, but I'm having a hard time with this as well!

Weight: 23.5 pounds

Height: 29"

Miles Traveled: 11,408 miles! He traveled to West Concord and Rochester to visit some friends, work to visit mommy, Ham Lake to visit family and friends, and then to Rochester to go shopping! I love that I have been able to track his miles because it shows how well-traveled he is :)
Sleeping: Landon's sleep patterns have pretty much stayed the same, with the exception of a few rough days due to ear infections. We usually put him to bed between 7:30 and 8:00, after his bath and bottle, and then he sleeps until 6:00 or so.  If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he either plays with his prayer bear or blanket, puts his pacifier in his mouth, and then falls back to sleep.  Rarely does he cry, which I am thankful for.  

Feeding: Landon loves to eat food, just like his mommy and daddy! When he wakes up, he has a 5 ounce bottle of formula. An hour later, he has oatmeal/waffle and fruit, which he loves.  He can't seem to get enough of bananas and he loves pancakes! For lunch, he is on pretty much table food and he seems to like everything with food.  Sometimes he will have a bottle with his lunch, but he usually just has his sippy cup with water in it.  When he wakes up from his afternoon nap, he usually has some mum-mum crackers, yogurt melts, or puffs with his sippy cup.  For dinner, he eats whatever we are having at night, but sometimes we incorporate some of his baby food, too, since we still have some left.  The two fruits that are hit and miss are blueberries and pears! Sometimes he absolutely loves them, but other times, he acts like we are poisoning him when we feed them to him.  It makes us laugh :) Nana gave him a few bites of ice cream cake, cool whip, and sandwich meat... she gets away with everything! 

Clothing: He is in 12 month clothes, mainly, but 18 month jammies because he is so tall. I have started putting him in his 18 month clothes, too, but they are just a tad too big on him.  The sizing on clothes is so weird.

Diaper Size: Size 4 Pampers, although size 3 fit, too!
Looks: He has eight teeth right now (four on bottom and four on top), brown super curly hair, deep blue eyes that look like mommy's, chubby little cheeks that just asked to be squished, daddy's smile/lip, and daddy's tiny ears. Now that he is crawling, he seems to be thinning out and losing the baby chub... boo!  He is definitely a miniature version of me, which is fun to see.   

Nicknames: Ham Ball, Cheeks, baby Landon, lil' stinker 

Likes: Landon LOVES life and anything put in front of him! Seriously, he plays with whatever toys you give him and loves to play.  I have tried to just put a few toys around him, so he actually focuses on one toy for a longer period of time, but he just likes to get around.  He started crawling on February 7th, and since then, he loves to crawl everywhere and get into everything :) I love playing hide and seek with him, chasing him while crawling, and playing peek-a-boo.  Some of his favorite things include: bathtime, glow in the dark sea horse, prayer bear, bumble bee rocker, play table, mini kitchen, light up piano, PUZZLES, Bella, and books.  

Dislikes: (Same as before) Getting his nose wiped and getting clothes pulled over his head. These things have bugged him for several months, so I wonder if they'll ever change?! Ear infections! Seriously, he has had 5 now and they are always double ear infections.  The poor kid gets so uncomfortable with them, so I am looking forward to meeting with the ENT department to talk about tubes. 

Personality: This little boy is going to move mountains.  If he wants something, he is bound and determined to get it or figure out how to make it work.  He has an energetic personality and he loves to use his charm to his advantage! He knows how to work the system and it makes us laugh.  If I tell him no-no, he usually shakes his head no-no, smiles, and then tilts his head and gives us a big cheese.  Like I said, he knows how to work the system.  Even when he is in pain with his ear infections, he still manages to give us a smile and cuddle time. He gets SO excited when he sees people he knows or when he sees Bella.  His face lights up and he screams with excitement!


  • Got a couple more teeth this month!
  • He started crawling on Friday, February 6th at grandma B and Papa T's house! It was so much fun to watch him learn how to do this because he was so proud of himself!
  • He got another ear infection at the end of February and he has been miserable with them.  This is his 5th one, so we are meeting with an ENT on the  17th because we need to figure something else out.
  • He started pulling himself up on furniture on Saturday, February 14th, once again at grandma B and Papa T's house! I swear he waits to do everything for grandma and grandpa!
  • Like I said earlier... Nana gave him many tasty treats this month!
  • Loves his ECFE class and the kids at it.
 Now for some pictures: 

Valentine's Day... go figure he won't smile for mom and dad :)
I sure wish the little ham would smile for me :)
Watching cousin Patrick play basketball on Valentine's Day!
Hamming it up for the camera!
Hanging out at his buddy's baby shower...Harvey was born on March 1st!

Reading our bedtime stories after bath :)
So innocent...
Uncle Kyle and Aunt Laura came to visit on January 30th while mommy and daddy had the Winter Formal!
Good morning! Sad to say bye to aunty and uncle!
I miss Target SO much!
Do you think he likes bath time?!
Rocking on his bumblebee rocker!
They look so serious, but they weren't! Landon and Levi- born 2 days apart!
Playing with aunty Danielle and Uncle Mike- buddy Harvey was born a month later!
Saying our prayers <3
Helping daddy set his DJ equipment up for the Winter Formal!
Valentine's Day party with friends!
Two of my favorite people!
The shirt says it all!!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Ten Months- 1/19/15

Ten months have come and gone and I still find it hard to believe I am the mommy to life's most precious blessing! I feel like I am learning something new every day and that Landon is always changing.  It feels like he has moved from a little baby to a young boy and I am not ready for that! I look at pictures, from just a month ago, and it makes me sad how fast time is going! I follow many Caringbridge sites and Facebook pages of children dealing with various conditions and each of these pages reminds me how precious each day is with our loved ones, so we must soak up all of life's moments and pray for those who are hurting. Never take a single day for granted, which is easier said than done.  The journey to becoming parents wasn't easy, but I am thankful to be in this place right now. If you are struggling and waiting for your moment, please know you're always in my prayers and I'll never forget you. 

Getting his 10 month pictures was next to impossible because he squirmed everywhere, so here are a few of his outtakes!
Like I said... he is a ham ball!
Weight: 22 1/2 pounds (guess)
Height: 28 1/2 inches (guess)

Miles Traveled: 10,658 miles! He traveled to Springfield for Christmas, Ham Lake for our family Christmas, Rochester to go shopping, and Ham Lake to spend time with friends and family! I am SO thankful he is such a good baby in the car because it makes traveling a lot easier!

Sleeping: His sleeping was kind of goofy this month, but that's because he got a double ear infection on December 19th and then he got another one at the beginning of January.  Although some days his sleep was interrupted, he mainly sleeps from 7:30/8:00-6:30.  He is always so happy when he wakes up and would prefer to play with his prayer bear and blanket, first, and then eventually be picked up.  Now that he knows how to go on all fours and rock back and forth, he entertains himself pretty easily.  He still takes a 30 minute nap in the morning, 2 hour nap mid-day, and then a 30 minute nap around 3:30 or so.  It seems like he prefers to sleep on his stomach or side, but ends up any which was throughout the night.

Feeding: He drinks approximately 4, 5 ounce bottles (7:30, 11:00, 3:00, 7:30) and then he eats three containers of food in addition.  We started introducing little pieces of food, which has been fun, but confusing at the same time. I never know how much to give him... he has had toast, bananas, pancakes, waffles, rice, mashed potatoes, and peaches so far.  He seems like to everything, so that is nice.  He also loves his puffs, mum-mum rice rusks, and yogurt melts.  He is still drinking out of his bottle, but will drink from a sippy cup, with help, at meal time. 

Clothing: He is in 12 month clothes, mainly, but 18 month jammies because he is so tall.  He has some super cute 18 and 24 month clothes in his closet, but I am not ready for him to wear them yet!

Diaper Size: He still fits in the size 3 Pampers, but we moved to size 4 since that is what we have.

Looks: He has five teeth right now (two on bottom and 3 on top), brown curly hair, blue eyes, chubby little cheeks, daddy's smile and ears. He is getting longer and more lean, so the baby chub seems to be disappearing. He is definitely a miniature version of me, which is fun to see. 

Nicknames: Ham Ball, Cheeks, baby Landon, lil' stinker

Likes: Many of these are the same as 9 months, but they include:  his musical sea horse, angel prayer bear, sit and stand play table,  BATH time, putting his face in the water, chewing on foam bath letters, his miniature kitchen, scooting backwards, Caterpillar dump truck, wooden block set, rolling all over the living room, playing "where's Landon... there he is," watching Bella, fuzzy bumblebee, and dancing to music. 

Dislikes: (Same as 9 months) Getting his nose wiped and getting clothes pulled over his head. These things have bugged him for several months, so I wonder if they'll ever change?!

Personality: He definitely has a personality and is becoming very opinionated about certain things. For instance, he didn't want his sippy cup, so he pushed it aside. I gave it back to him and he whacked it off the table... we just chuckled at him.  If he doesn't want something, he will let us know by pushing it away and then smiling.  I wish I could be as happy about the little things in life like he is.  He truly smiles at everyone and lights up whenever he hears music, sees Bella, or sees someone he knows.  He talks non-stop, laughs whenever we tickle him, gives open-mouthed kisses, and has started to clap!


  • He celebrated his first Christmas with the Arndt family (Christmas Eve), Hillesheim family (Christmas Day), and the Reiner/Hillesheim/Jakubek family (December 30th). 
  • He celebrated his first New Year's Eve with mommy and daddy's best friends, Mike and Danielle. We played and just hung out, which was perfect!
  • He got another ear infection at the beginning of the month and he was miserable. We found out 5 days after, giving him the medication, that it wasn't working and he had to take something else.  It still seems like his ears are bugging him...

  • Went to his first ECFE class (1/12) and loved reading books and singing songs with the teacher!
  • Nana gave him cool whip and he LOVED it... I was nervous, but apparently it was okay and he wanted more!
  • Rocks on all fours, crawls backward, and seems like he will crawl forward at any given moment!
  • He learned how to clap and loves to clap now.
 Now for some pictures: 
Giving me his fake cheesy smile
Cruising with Papa T in the snowplow!
Watch out, world, here they come!
He LOVED being up top!
I made treats for Landon's daycare out of cheese sticks
Playtime with Levi! These two are only two days apart.
Levi's mommy, Jena, and I have been friends since kindergarten
Playtime with Avery and Macy... no one would look at the camera :(
Happy New Year's!
Playtime with my favorite table!
I love my vibrating ear of corn from Papa T!
Christmas Eve with my little family!
My poor baby was sick :(
Such a big boy sitting in his rocker with his books and blankey!
Someone loves Target as much as his mommy...
Bath time with mommy's cousin, Colin!
My first ECFE class- such a big boy!
Grandma and grandpa came to visit me!
Nana snuck me some cool whip and I LOVED it... shh, don't tell on her!
My first time with toast- yummy!
Our little football fan!
 Until next time, friends, God bless!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Nine Months- 12/19/14

Wow! I can't believe that Landon has been here longer than he was in the womb. I always knew time went fast, but having a child only further proves how fast time goes. Every day is something different, and although I miss him being a newborn, I love that he plays with toys, sits up on his own, rolls around, and giggles at everything. Every new stage is so much fun, but I want time to slow down! I am feeling especially blessed this Christmas season and I continue to pray for all of you!

Weight: 22 pounds

Height: 28 inches

Miles Traveled: 9, 648 miles! Landon traveled to West Concord to hang out with aunt Danielle and uncle Mikey, Ham Lake two times, and then to Saginaw/Carlton/Cloquet to see daddy's side of the family for Christmas!

Sleeping: He takes a 45 minute nap in the morning, a 1.5-2 hour nap at daycare after lunch, and then two 20-40 minute naps in the afternoon/evening. He sleeps well at night,which makes this mommy very happy! Typically he sleeps from 8:00-6:00, which works really well with my schedule.  When he is sick, he tends to get up once, but he usually falls right back to sleep.  He loves to roll around in his crib and usually ends up on his stomach on the other end of the crib.  Sometimes he gets mad when he is on his stomach, but usually he loves it.  Plus, I feel like he sleeps longer.  I also sleep on my stomach, so that must be where he gets that trait from.  He does like sleeping on his side, but it seems like his stomach is his first preference. 

Feeding: He drinks approximately 3, 5 ounce bottles during the day and 1, 7 ounce bottle before bed time.  He also eats a container of fruit with oatmeal in the morning, veggies for lunch, and then veggies with meat in them for dinner.  His pediatrician said we could introduce small pieces of solid food, so I think we'll start that this week.  He loves to eat and drink out of our glass without a lid. He has gotten much better at picking up his puffs and yogurt melts and putting them in his mouth.  The yogurt melts tend to stick to his hand, so we laugh when that happens.  He is such an easy eater and I hope that continues as he gets older!

Clothing: 12 month clothes and 12 month jammies! I love all of his winter jammies that I've even thought about putting him in them during the day.  They look so cozy and warm, which is exactly why I love them!

Diaper Size: Size 3 Pampers

Looks: He changes on a daily basis.  I still think he looks a lot like me, but his hair is growing so fast and it is really curly in the back.  I love how it curls in a little spiral and I will be so sad whenever he has to get a hair cut.  We always part his hair to the right, so he has a little comb-over.  It makes him look like a little man! He is getting long and lean, with his big squishy cheeks and bright blue eyes.  He has four teeth and a roll around his wrists.

Nicknames: Ham Ball, Cheeks, baby Landon, lil' stinker

Likes: He gets so excited about many different things.  A few of his favorites still include: his musical sea horse, angel prayer bear, talking puppy, sit and stand play table (specifically the rhinoceros), pulling his socks off, BATH time, putting his face in the water, chewing on foam bath letters, scooting backwards, rolling all over the living room, playing "where's Landon... there he is," watching Bella, and listening to music.  The simplest things make him smile, which in turn, melts my heart and makes me smile!

Dislikes: Getting his nose wiped, clothes coming over his head, and getting stuck against the wall when he rolls around the living room. Pretty simple stuff, but he isn't a fan!

Personality: He is a ball of energy and smiles.  Whether he is laughing at Bella, smiling at his puppy, giggling when we play peek-a-boo, or splashing up a storm in the bath tub, he is always happy.  He gets a super high pitched shriek when he sees Bella and you would think he just won the lottery with his enthusiasm! If only Bella loved him as much as he loves her.  There are days where he just hangs out and is quiet, but those days are few and far between. 

  • He has two teeth on the bottom and two teeth on the top! Yay :) I think a fifth one is trying to push through though...
  • He went to his first Christmas celebration with the Thompson and Jakubek families.  Daddy couldn't be there, since he had the flu, but mommy and Landon had a nice time!
  • He met Santa and loved watching him... he even tried to pull his beard down, oops!
  • He got another ear infection on his 9 month birthday, so that was a bummer! I could tell he wasn't feeling the best, but thankfully, he stayed happy and wasn't too miserable!
  • He celebrated Thanksgiving with mommy's side of the family and had a lot of fun!
  • He started giving us open mouthed kisses a few days before he turned 9 months old.  They are so slobbery and I love them!
 Now for some pictures: 
Landon wanted to say happy birthday to Great Grandpa Gene in heaven!
Landon had to say happy birthday to grandpa Mark!
My great aunt Clara hand stitched everyone's Christmas stocking.  After she passed away, my mom took on the tradition.  To see Landon's stocking on the mantle fills me with such joy and emotion... it's almost too hard to explain!
Close-Up of the stockings- in LOVE!
Christmas in Austin!
Waiting to see Santa :)
He loved watching Santa!
Just chilling with his Santa hat on!
Ringing bells for the Salvation Army!
Daddy wanted to get in on the action, too!
Landon LOVES playing with the musical snowmen, especially this one because it shakes :)
Just hanging with his friends!
Lunch time with grandpa Mark and grandpa Kevin at Bakers Square
Grandpa Mark came to play with Landon!
Pretty special time!
Bath time with his bath books!
You mean you want me to read to you? Okay!
Christmas with Grammy and Grampy!
Great aunt Cheryl and Landon!
Great aunt Gerri and Grandma Gail!
Snuggle time with daddy!
Landon received a letter for Santa... lucky little guy!
It was daddy's birthday- yay!
Mommy and baby before daycare!
Until next time, friends, God bless!