Friday, October 27, 2017

I just don't know what to do...

Warning- this post will be all over the place... yikes.

Wow! It has been 2.5 years since I have blogged. It feels like just yesterday that Landon was a baby and now he is 3.5 years old. I wasn't ever sure where this blog was going to go, when I started, because it was just a place for me to vent and process my feelings while we tried to get pregnant. Then, when we got pregnant, I focused on that and we journaled about Landon's first year. SO much has happened since I last blogged- we sold our house in Austin, moved to the Cities and lived with my parents for 6 months, bought a house, taught in a new district, Landon started Preschool, began teaching in another new district, had my thyroid, parathyroid, and lymph nodes removed for suspicion of cancer, and now we want a baby, Uff-da, did you follow me?

The big reason I wanted to write today is because I have started to have the same feelings of jealousy, emptiness, and longing for a baby, that I did before. Even though I know it isn't ANYTHING truly like before, there is still this ache for a baby. However, the problem is that I haven't found a doctor who will work with me- give me Femara, the Ovidrel shot, and monitor me- in the Twin Cities area. They all say they need my BMI to be under a certain number and there is just no way this will happen for at least 2+ years. It's not possible. I get that they want me healthy, but who is to say that I won't have a healthy pregnancy? Geez, I was big when I had Landon and everything was fine. I know so many people who are small and the "ideal candidates" for pregnancy, still have issues. How can someone be so discriminatory?

I have cried so many tears over this and I don't know what to do. Do we look at surrogacy, adoption, wait several years? Ugh. We don't want our kids 5+ years apart, but that's where we are at right now. I feel so broken, sad, and mad inside. I wish I could get ahold of Femara and just take it on my own. I just need Femara and I think I will be okay. Obviously I could need more, but I just want something, anything, so I can move in the right direction.  Like honestly, what do I do?  I feel so lost, numb, and sad. As happy as I am about other things in life, I am still just so sad.

On top of this, two of my close friends, within our group of 5, are pregnant within 5 weeks of each other. They both did one round of fertility meds and got pregnant. One has two kids and the other one has one kid. I am SO happy for them, and wouldn't wish a long infertility journey on them, but I am jealous, especially of the friend who has two kids. Oh what I would give for Landon to have a sibling on Earth. The two friends get to go through this together and then here I sit. Ugh.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I think I need to start blogging again so I can work through the emotions instead of letting them eat away at me. If you are listening, thank you. Thank you for being there. If you have suggestions, please share them. For now, I begin writing so I can process my emotions.


  1. Ahhh, that's so hard. It's really not fair for anyone else to decide whether or not you should get treatment or not. You aren't even asking for IVF or even IUI, just the meds to help the process along! I agree that it seems discriminatory. I mean, just because someone is skinny and healthy doesn't always mean it equals a successful pregnancy either! I'm probably not helping, but just wanted you to know I'm still here and still reading. Big hugs from afar.

  2. Agreed with Amber- have you reached out to more than one fertility doctor? Is your OBGYN willing to work with you if you are just taking Femera?