Happy Birthday... in Heaven... 4/29

Dear Baby J #1,
It feels so weird to write to you, since you never even really knew us, but I am your mommy.  I've never written to you, but since today would have been your first birthday, so many emotions are going through me and I felt the need to write to you.  I can't guarantee this letter will make much sense, but I don't care.

When your daddy and I found out we were expecting, we were so excited.  I asked your daddy if he wanted a boy or a girl and all he said was, "I want the baby to be healthy... but I would love a little man to play legos with." I bet you can guess that I cried when I heard that.  From the beginning, I felt like you were a girl.  Honestly, I have no idea why and I know it sounds super silly, but I just had that feeling, and I don't care how silly it sounds.  We always called you baby J, but after you passed, I felt like you needed a name, to validate your existence in this world.  In our head, and in our hearts, we named you Taylor.   No one knows about this, except your daddy and me, but I had to write it down. It feels weird to put it in writing, like people will judge us or think we are weird, but that is their issue. This is our story, right? We felt Taylor was fitting for both a boy or a girl.  Now, if you would have been born and we would actually be celebrating your birthday, I know you would have a different name, but you are our Taylor.  Giving you a name makes you feel so real; it makes me feel like you were a part of us.  I know some people say we weren't even that far along, you were hardly even a thought, but you were a part of our lives for 8 weeks.  Yes, 8 whole weeks.  8 weeks where your daddy and I felt like a whole family.  8 weeks where we talked about you and everything about you. Would you have big, dark brown eyes like daddy or would you have little green eyes like mommy?  Although it wasn't that much time, we were able to love you more than you would ever know.  Today, as I sit and reflect about how different 4/29/13 would be, it hurts my heart.  I try not to think about "what could have been," because that doesn't make me feel good, but for today, I am.

I am such a planner and I know you would have had the best 1st birthday party.  It would have been filled with such love, family, and decorations galore.  I would have been stressing over the decorations and whether or not you would be happy or grumpy in front of all of our friends and family, while your grandparents would have been loving on you and spoiling you like crazy! Your grandpa Mark would have bought you super adorable clothes, your grandpa Tom would have made you something absolutely beautiful (probably a rocking horse or something), your grandma Brenda would have gotten you fun, educational toys, and your uncle Kyle would have gotten you super loud and obnoxious toys, just to spite us.  Honestly, I would take those super noisy toys just to have you here with us.  

I would have tried my best to make you the perfect "smashable" cake, even though I am not good at things like that.  I wonder if you would have dug right in, like your daddy did when he was little, or get grossed out when things were on your hands, like I did when I was little?  You would have an adorable outfit on and I can guarantee you that your daddy and I would have matched you and everyone would have given us a hard time.  I wish we were doing that right now...

Oh how I wish I didn't have to say "would have," but I do.  I think about you daily and I think about Baby J#2, too.  You two never leave my mind.  Everyone says there is a reason for why things happen, and although I don't understand this reason, I know there must be... It hurts so much to think about what we "could have had," if you were here with us.  

I desperately wish you were here and it pains me to not have you in my arms, but I know you are dancing in the beautiful gates of heaven, eating the best cake, playing with all of the other angel babies, and basking in the gifts and greatness of our Savior, far better than any gifts we could have given you.  I pray you always know how much we love you and how much we miss you.  Happy 1st birthday, Taylor, Baby J #1... we love you.

Love, 
Mommy and Daddy

TWW- cd26- uneasy

I don't even know what to write about, but I have an uneasy feeling inside and I just need to get it out of me.  I am in my two week wait (TWW), which basically means I am counting down the days until I can finally see if I am pregnant.  The thought of this absolutely kills me inside.  I anxiously check the calendar over and over to see if I can check.  I constantly recalculate my cycle to see if I can POAS to see if I am pregnant.  Honestly, it controls my every thought and motion.  It was somewhat like this before, but this time, it is intensified to the extreme.  I think it is intensified because we are actually trying this month, with medication, u/s checks, progesterone and what not.  I so desperately want it to work because I so desperately want to be a mom to a baby on this earth.  I long for my babies in heaven and I long for the babies yet to be born into my arms.  What if I don't get those two pink lines that show we are pregnant? What if my body hates me and wants me to keep going through hell?  I try not to be so negative, since it just eats at me, but today is one of those days where I am just down and that is how it is.  However, tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to have a different perspective on our situation... 


Until then... God bless!

Ovulation...

After my follicle appointment, Dr. T said I needed to purchase Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) so I would know when I ovulated.  Honestly, I didn't know much about them, so I started researching online. Some of my friends purchase their OPK at Wal*Mart and others purchase them at the Dollar Tree.  After talking to my mom about the pros and cons to each, I chose to go to Wal*Mart. Basically, I didn't know how accurate the Dollar Tree ones would be, so if I saved $15 dollars at the Dollar Tree, I would end up spending more, since I would have to get the $100 dollar Ovidrel trigger shot.  I'm not sure if those numbers are 100% accurate, but you get the idea.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I got to Wal*Mart and saw this...

Honestly, it took me over 20 minutes to determine which box I was going to get.  I never would have guessed that it would take me so long to decide! In the end, I got the Clear Blue 20 tests for $35 box.  

Well, when I began testing, I wasn't getting the :) that I wanted.  I thought I would ovulate on cd12-14, but lo and behold, I did get the :) on cd16 and I was SO relieved.

  











I also got the :) on cd17, but by cd18, I was no longer ovulating.  I am so amazed at how the body works! Well, now begins the two week wait (TWW) and let's hope that I get a Big Fat Positive (BFP) at the end of the month.

Until then... God bless!

Music...

As I was driving my student council kiddos back from volunteering at Feed My Starving Children last week, a song came on the radio,  Normally I just jam out to the tune and don't pay too much attention to the lyrics, but yesterday, I felt the need to listen to the lyrics.  The minute I got home, I looked up the song on You Tube and I was blown away by the lyrics. I have included the video here because I am just in love with it.  How many times have I had to tell myself this... 

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home


There is another song that pulls at my heart strings and immediately makes me weep.  The emotions behind the song are so powerful they almost knock me down. How can some people just abort their child when there are so many people in this world who desperately want a child, want to be parents, want to experience that love and bond? I'll let the song speak for itself...

Oh, and one more song that really puts things into perspective is a song called Blessings. In a world where we have no explanation for why things happen and we often find ourselves in darkness, this is the song that pulls me through and helps me realize that there may be a blessing in all of the darkness...

Until then... God bless!

CD 14 and Follicle Check

I met with Dr. T on Wednesday and he did a follicle u/s to see how many follicles I have on my ovaries.  He explained everything in detail so we understood what he was saying, which was totally new to us.  He saw one follicle on my left side and he said, "Oh look, a mature, nice sized follicle- yippee!" I asked him what the measurement was and he said 19*23, I believe.  Then he looked at my other side and he said, "Oh look, a bonus follicle and that is a nice size, too! I'm not sure of the exact measurements, but I think he said 21*25! He also checked my endometrium lining and he was impressed with the thickness (3 lines) and he said I would be ovulating soon. I was pretty excited about my follicles, so I had to tell my mom, dad, grandma, and Ash, since I knew they would want to know.  I have been doing the OPK (ovulation predictor kits), but so far they have come up with a negative. However, I have been super crampy today, so I am hoping that is a good sign!

I am still blown away by the process of how the body works.  I am definitely learning more and more, which is nice, but it is also overwhelming.  We are going out with friends tonight, so I am looking forward to the boys drinking and the girls talking and laughing at the comedy show.  

Well, until next time... God bless!

A poem...

I like to think that through all of our struggles, we will be better parents because of it. It's not always that easy to believe at times, but I have to tell myself that we will appreciate every late night feeding, every screaming moment during church, and every teenage rebellious year. We will learn to enjoy every second with our child because we realize how difficult it was to bring our child into this world. As I was reading a blog, I came across this poem and I think it says exactly how I feel.  It does sound conceited (which I'm not a fan of), but dang't, I have the right to be... because this is not fair... 

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother

Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all I have endured.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Now, let the waterworks begin and let my heart be vulnerable for just a little bit...

God bless you.

New Plan- cd5

After our difficult past, I was bound and determined to find a new doctor who could tell me why we were miscarrying because my gut was telling me that something was wrong with my genetic makeup... or something like that. Most people said "miscarriages are common," "it will happen when it is supposed to," "God is in control," and while those things may be true, I knew it had to be something else...

This "gut-instinct" led me to a new doctor, one who was suggested to me by a few people as being the "God of all doctors."  I was skeptical, but the minute I met him, I was hooked.  He took the time to listen to our story and to come up with a plan that works for us.  After a month of blood work, it was determined that I do not produce progesterone, so even if I get pregnant, my body will reject that baby (stupid freakin' body). Why couldn't Dr. N tell that us after the first miscarriage? Well regardless, he didn't, and now we have a plan with Dr. T.

Today is cd5 (cycle day 5), so I took Femara this morning.  I will take Femara on cd5-9 and then meet with Dr. T on April 10th to see if I have any follicles on my ovaries.  The goal is to have a couple follicles on each ovary.  From there, I will use OPK (ovulation predictor kits) to check when I ovulate.  If I ovulate, well, then you get the idea :) If I don't, then I will need to give myself a trigger shot to make myself ovulate.  From there, it is a 2ww (two week wait) until I can POAS (pee on a stick) check if I am pregnant.  I am not too hopeful that it will happen right away, since it took us almost a year with both pregnancies, but I am trying to remain at peace, and hold onto a little bit of hope, that things will work in our favor.  

The awful, yet nice thing about this is that I know two people going to the same doctor, for similar things, so we can all help each other. I am the late bloomer in the group, so they actually help me, but they make me feel like I am not alone.  God has a funny way of doing things, doesn't He?  Until next time...

God bless!

Our Background...

Well, today begins our new journey in trying to have a baby.  After our first miscarriage (8 weeks 9/20/11), I wanted answers as to why things went wrong so they wouldn't happen again because honestly, I didn't think I would be able to handle the emotional pain from the loss of another baby.  After countless doctors appointments with Dr. N, he said that he had no explanation for why we miscarried and we should try again.  I was very hesitant about trying again, but we wanted to be parents, so we had to.  

After 11 months, we finally got pregnant again and to say we were excited would be an understatement.  With that excitement, however, came extreme worry.  Would this pregnancy end badly? Would we get to take this baby home?  Cory, and my doctor, continually told me not to worry because we had no reason to believe this would end badly.  Well, being the type-A, need-to-be-in-control kind of person that I am, I wanted an ultrasound, and blood work, to make sure everything was fine. (Boy howdy am I glad that I did that so I could at least see our baby once, when he/she was alive). When we had the ultrasound, the tech said our baby was measuring a week behind schedule, but that wasn't anything to be too worried about because I could have ovulated late and not been as far along... I knew better than to believe that.  I finally told my mom I was pregnant (I wanted to have a cute gift and such for when I told her, but I needed her prayers more than ever).  She instantly began the prayer process and helped calm me down, which isn't easy.  Well, long story short, on December 14th, 2012, we lost our baby (8 weeks).  My emotions went from sad to absolutely angry.  I really don't want to go back to that place right now, but I will say that my heart hurts and I yearn for that baby.  I wonder if our baby would have been a boy or a girl? Would he/she look like Cory or me? Would he/she come early, around the 7/4, on his/her due date 7/16, or late and on my best friend's birthday 7/26? So many unanswered questions...

However, the answer to all of my unanswered questions is that I know God is watching over us and I know He has a plan for us.  Although I have a hard time believing that at times, He has always been there for me, regardless if I see him or not.  After our second miscarriage, I wanted had to take control because I was not going to put us through this again, if I could prevent it, which led me to our new plan...

God bless!

Easter

Well, Easter has come and gone and so have the little girls in their Easter dresses and bonnets and the little boys in their Easter sweater vests and ties.  As I sat in church on Easter, my heart just yearned for our little babies. Why can't we have them? Why can't they be celebrating with us?  I imagined Cory and I celebrating our first Easter with them because baby J #1 was due on 4/29/13, so this would have been his/her first Easter. What would we I have dressed him/her in? I am sure I would have went over the top, but it would have been wonderful! I can just picture it now.  My heart hurt as I watched family after family celebrate our Savior's day with their little ones and I sat empty handed.  Of course I went about the day like nothing was wrong, because that is what I do, but deep inside my heart hurt. I really hope we are able to celebrate with our own little one next year, or at least be pregnant with him/her because although I want to dress him/her up, it all comes down to the fact that I yearn to be a mom and hold our sweet little one in my arms.  

In addition to these feelings, as I sat in church on Easter, a sense of peace came over me.  I can't quite describe the peace I felt, but something told me it was going to be okay, we would be parents, and there were bigger things to worry about.  I don't know what it was, but I definitely felt the Holy Spirit around us, holding us, keeping us in His arms, and protecting our hearts, which was such a glorious feeling!

Well, until next time... God bless!