Well, today begins our new journey in trying to have a baby. After our first miscarriage (8 weeks 9/20/11), I wanted answers as to why things went wrong so they wouldn't happen again because honestly, I didn't think I would be able to handle the emotional pain from the loss of another baby. After countless doctors appointments with Dr. N, he said that he had no explanation for why we miscarried and we should try again. I was very hesitant about trying again, but we wanted to be parents, so we had to.
After 11 months, we finally got pregnant again and to say we were excited would be an understatement. With that excitement, however, came extreme worry. Would this pregnancy end badly? Would we get to take this baby home? Cory, and my doctor, continually told me not to worry because we had no reason to believe this would end badly. Well, being the type-A, need-to-be-in-control kind of person that I am, I wanted an ultrasound, and blood work, to make sure everything was fine. (Boy howdy am I glad that I did that so I could at least see our baby once, when he/she was alive). When we had the ultrasound, the tech said our baby was measuring a week behind schedule, but that wasn't anything to be too worried about because I could have ovulated late and not been as far along... I knew better than to believe that. I finally told my mom I was pregnant (I wanted to have a cute gift and such for when I told her, but I needed her prayers more than ever). She instantly began the prayer process and helped calm me down, which isn't easy. Well, long story short, on December 14th, 2012, we lost our baby (8 weeks). My emotions went from sad to absolutely angry. I really don't want to go back to that place right now, but I will say that my heart hurts and I yearn for that baby. I wonder if our baby would have been a boy or a girl? Would he/she look like Cory or me? Would he/she come early, around the 7/4, on his/her due date 7/16, or late and on my best friend's birthday 7/26? So many unanswered questions...
However, the answer to all of my unanswered questions is that I know God is watching over us and I know He has a plan for us. Although I have a hard time believing that at times, He has always been there for me, regardless if I see him or not. After our second miscarriage, I wanted had to take control because I was not going to put us through this again, if I could prevent it, which led me to our new plan...
God bless!
Well, where do I even begin? Unfortunately, one of my blogs that I used for journaling has disappeared into thin air and I no longer have any of those posts. Therefore, this blog was created so I can continue to journal.
One part of me is absolutely devastated, angry by this because this is where my true emotions, feelings, and thoughts came out. It was that blog that got me through some of the lowest moments I have ever faced and helped me vent when I didn't feel like I could vent anymore or to anyone else. It was that blog that allowed me to share my inner, darkest moments of my life without feeling like I was being judged or looked down upon. It was that blog that changed me. I feel lost without that blog because I felt like that blog consumed me and was me, without actually being the physical version of me. I have no idea if that even makes sense, but I'm going to roll with it because that is what we do, right? That blog held so much of me and now it is gone, just like our babies. Our babies were so much a part of us, and who we were, but now they are gone, just like that blog. Do you see where the emotions come out? Gone. If you look up the definition of gone, it is almost gut-wrenching...
- No longer present; departed.
- No longer in existence; dead or extinct.
I really don't like to think of our babies, or our blog, like that, but the fact of the matter is that it is the truth. However, with that truth, comes revelation and strength.
The other part of me feels like this blog will allow me to "start over" on this new journey toward baby Jakubek. My pain is still so deep and hits me at the most unexpected moments, but it is through this journey that I have grown as a person, a mother of angel babies, a wife, and a friend. It is this blog where I will begin with a new outlook and document my steps toward bringing baby Jakubek home to our home. I know our beautiful angel babies are looking over us and watching us go through this journey, together, as a family. I know it is so hard for some people to realize the pain that goes through with miscarriage, and although I use to try and make, help people understand, I am learning that I don't need to worry about what people think or about their opinions. This is our journey and we are the ones who have been dealt this hand. This blog is here to help me process the emotions and to work through the process of baby Jakubek.
I have tried to find the reason for why this happened to us and why God felt we could handle it, and in all honesty, I haven't figured it out, yet. Maybe I was meant to help other people? (even though I don't feel like I'm doing anything)... Maybe I was meant to be an educator (funny, huh?), so I could research and educate others? Maybe this happened so I could get my finances and work in order, so I could be a better mommy? Maybe... The thing with maybe is that I will never really know why. Why did God take our two precious ones? Why did God put us through this heartache? Why do teenagers get to experience parenthood when we can't? Why, oh why, can't I have OUR two babies in OUR arms? I guess we will never know why. However, what we DO know is that God chose US for this story because He must know that WE can handle it (even if we don't feel like we can).
This blog was created to allow me to share our journey and to try and
make sense of everything that has happened and is going on in our
lives. Although I honestly don't expect anyone to read it, if you do
find yourself on this same path or curious about hesitate, please do not
hesitate to contact me. This has definitely been a journey for us over the past two years, but our journey has just begun...
