When we began our journey toward building a family, I really felt like things were okay. What I mean by that is that we had a good group of friends, I enjoyed my coworkers, I loved going to baby showers, and I felt good. I never really realized how good I felt until recently, when I began to feel angry and lost at the sight of a "like" on a Facebook post about a baby, or a pregnancy announcement at work, or an ultrasound picture plastered on the NEWS wall at work. You see, none of these things would have bothered me before, but for some reason, they tear at my heart and crush my inner being lately. I feel alienated.
I think what really set it off was the decision to cancel being a bridesmaid in my friend Christy's wedding. I was so excited to be in her wedding because it was an absolute honor to be asked. I adore Christy and I so want to stand next to her on her wedding day, when she makes a promise to her husband, and to get crazy with her at the reception. However, I had to make a decision to put myself first and focus on what is going on in our life... trying to have a baby. I could have chosen to stay in the wedding, but the stress of the dress (not knowing what size I would be if I got pregnant), sticking with all of the charting and medications (which can really mess with your emotions), and everything else was just too much for. When I told Christy I couldn't do it, it was then that I realized how different I am than my other friends/coworkers, and it hurts.
It hurts to see them so excited about their newborn sleeping through the night. It hurts to see them walk in a 5k with their friends and their newborns. It hurts to see them post pictures of their little one graduating from preschool. It hurts to see pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It hurts that I feel like my coworkers don't value me as much because I am not an experienced parent. It hurts when I see "likes" for every. single. stinkin'. baby picture. It just plain hurts. Now, don't get me wrong... I am beyond excited because every baby is a blessing and it is an honor to have a child, but it still hurts, and for that, I am not sorry. All of these things make me feel alienated from the rest of the world.
At times, I feel like I am not good enough to be a teacher because I don't have the "motherly" experience that pretty much all of my coworkers possess. I connect with my students in a way that bugs some of my coworkers (they don't say it, but I can tell), since I am so close to them. But in all honestly, I don't have children on this earth, so 100% of my heart is devoted to my students, their activities, their drama, their everything, because I look at them like they are my kids. My favorite saying for teaching is, "I call my students "my kids" because in our year together they aren't just kids on my class list, they become a part of my heart!" Some of my kiddos I have had for many years, and throughout our time together, I have learned so much about them that it is impossible not to call them my kiddos. Even though this bothers some people, it is what it is and I'm not going to complain about it. Will I still be as involved in their everything when I have a child to take care of? Probably not, since my focus will be on raising our child, but I will still care so immensely and they will know it, because after all, that is what teaching is all about!
Since I don't feel like my coworkers support me that much, it is really hard to open up to them about our struggles to have children and all of the things going on in our life. I wish they could get a glimpse of what has happened to us the last two years so they can understand how it is a struggle, some days, to truly keep going, but other days, it is good. I want to open up so they can understand why I may be moody, hot, or irritable some days, but honestly, it is really hard to do it. Nevertheless, there is one coworker who has been an absolute blessing and it is nice to have her to confide in! It is nice to share information so I don't feel like we are so alone in this journey. Thank you, Janet, for being a blessing!
I guess where I am getting at is that not having a child on earth makes me feel different than everyone else, like I am somehow less than them, and like I am alone. I know this feeling doesn't happen all the time and it does get better, but I think it's because I keep thinking about our first two little ones and what we would be doing... either playing at the park or suffering through the heat while I am 7 months pregnant. I try hard not to think about "what should have been" because it doesn't make me feel good, but sometimes, it is tough.
Well, until next time... God bless!
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