16 Weeks!

Hey there, strangers! I'm sorry it has been so long since I have blogged, but I guess I've been scared. I've been scared that if I blog about this pregnancy, something will happen and I will jinx it. Obviously I know God is in control and the plan is already set in place, but it still makes me so nervous. Plus, I have so many friend in real-life, and on the blogging world, who are struggling with fertility, and I feel like my posts are just slaps in the face to them, which doesn't make me feel good. I feel like I am stuck- I want to embrace this special  time, yet I don't want to "brag" or seem like I don't hurt for the rest of my friends- which is why I haven't blogged much. I want to document this time, so I have decided to complete the weekly surveys I've seen everywhere online. I can't guarantee they will always happen, or that I won't change the questions, but at least it is a step in the right direction.

Please know that my heart goes out to everyone struggling with infertility. Whether you're suffering in silence, through your blog, or a mixture of both, please know that I pray for you every.single.day. I hurt alongside you and I mourn the loss you are feeling.  I will never feel offended if you can't read my blog, but just know I am praying with all of my might for you and your precious heart. 
 

How Far Along: 16 Weeks

Total Weight Gain: I've lost about 6, which they say is normal

Maternity Clothes: My mom and I went shopping and she bought me a few shirts, but I'm not wearing them, yet. My jeans still fit, but the maternity jeans are so much more comfortable!

Sleep: I'm usually up about three times to go to the bathroom, which is an improvement from the first trimester!

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing our beautiful little baby on the ultrasound screen and having my parents there to witness this miracle! He/she even waved to us :)

Miss Anything: I would give up everything for this moment! Regardless, I do miss deli meat!

Movement: No, but I am so ready for it!

Food Cravings: Fettucini alfredo, tator tots, and apples

Unusual Symptoms: Heartburn! I've never had heartburn before, but during week 14, I had heartburn so bad it was unreal... I almost felt like I was having a heart attack. However, after listening to some of my friends who are experts on this, I did get it to go away.

Anything Making you Queasy or Sick: The garbage, perfume, and my toothbrush

Gender: Only God knows :)

Labor Signs: I sure hope not!

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: SO happy! I will say that I did get a little moody with my 9th graders who were being way too dramatic on Tuesday and one of them said, "So, with this pregnancy business does that mean you are going to be moody?" I guess I was moody that day!

Looking Forward To: Thinking about the nursery and hearing what my friend Brittany is having- I vote girl!

Countdown: 167 days to go!

Announcing our Pregnancy...

 

This is the video we posted, along with a picture announcing our pregnancy on Facebook.  I was so nervous to post on Facebook because it felt like it was really "real" then (as silly as that sounds), but I decided that I want all the prayers we can get and what better way to ask for prayers than to ask on Facebook.  It has been a whirlwind experience the past few days and I feel very blessed that God has given us this opportunity. I pray our baby has a special plan on this earth because he/she is SO loved already and it melts my heart! I'll write more about our appointment and such later, but I just wanted to get the video and picture out :) Thank you for the continued prayers, well-wishes, and kind thoughts regarding our pregnancy- we are beginning a whole new journey and we all need prayers.  We love you guys! God bless!

Until Next Time, God bless...

11.5 Weeks...

With all of the thoughts and emotions going through my head, you would think I would know what to write, yet I feel stuck as to what to say. I always get bummed when other bloggers haven't written because I love reading their writing, so I figured I better update and let the blogging world know that things are going well! In addition, I do want to remember this time in my life and what has been going on, so I better write something... :)

After my 9 week ultrasound, I was on an absolute high! No matter what happened in life, nothing had the ability to knock me down because I was (still am) growing a baby. At times, it really doesn't feel real, but then I'll get sick, burp up something, or get up to go to the bathroom for the thousandth time and then I remember that I am pregnant. Despite the symptoms, I cannot complain because I would throw up multiple times a day if it meant that my baby was safe from harm.  One thing I never realized with pregnancy is how much you truly get up to go to the bathroom at night. Seriously, on average, I get up 3-4 times to go to the bathroom.  Please don't think I am complaining, because I am not at all, but yikes, I never sleep.  I did have my doctor check me for a bladder infection, but everything came back clear, so this is just part of the journey.  However, one night I didn't get up to go to the bathroom at all and I was totally freaked out. Our minds really make us crazy sometimes.  My poor husband said, "You were worried when you went to the bathroom too much and now you are worried that you didn't go at all... I can't keep up with you!" I think he is right- I can't keep up with myself. Nevertheless, the next night I was up a few times, so all is good!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I referred to the baby as Baby Jakubek, Baby J, or Jelly Bean (joke with my husband), but as we progress, I like to refer to it as "baby" and only baby. I don't know what it is, but it makes it feel more real, like there is a real baby inside me. I know that sounds absolutely goofy, even to me, but I don't know how else to explain it.

A week or so ago my husband sent me the most beautiful video that put me in tears within the first 15 seconds. It is about a couple who has waited for a baby and now the baby is finally here safe and sound.  Although our baby isn't in our arms, yet, it gave me hope to keep fighting for it and the future. I figured I would add the music video because the words are beautiful, but if you are struggling or have a hard time with pregnancy topics, please don't put yourself through it- I completely understand! Thank you for the e-mails and comments on my blog- they mean so much to me! I'll be 12 weeks on Friday and have my next big ultrasound on Monday, so please pray that things are going well and our baby is healthy! 

Until next time... God bless!                   

9 Weeks...

Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I've posted, and honestly, I'm just scared to believe that I am actually pregnant...even though my ultrasounds show I am. I think a lot of it has to deal with my past miscarriages and how they have robbed me of my innocence.  I love this baby SO incredibly much, more than I ever thought I could; he/she consumes my every thought and makes me giddy when I think about our little family.  I thought I was the only one, but I think it has hit Cory, too.  When we were shopping at Target, I started to browse the baby section, like I always do.   Normally Cory would roll his eyes and follow behind me, but on Saturday, he started looking at the strollers, picked one of them off the shelf, and said he found the perfect stroller for us.  It was this little gesture that made me smile.  Then today, as we were cleaning out my closet, he said, "I just know our baby is a boy and I am willing to bet on it." I think it goes to show that he is also thinking about out baby as much as I am :)

On Friday, August 30th, we had the opportunity to see our baby at the 9 week ultrasound.  I was so nervous going to the clinic because I was scared that we wouldn't see anything and because I didn't feel pregnant anymore. However, my fears were eased when we saw our precious little one, saw the heartbeat, and HEARD the heartbeat! I had no idea we would be able to hear it so soon, but it was the most amazing sound I have ever heard! I wish I would have recorded it, but I guess I'll do that next time. My mom and step-dad were also able to be with us, so that was pretty special for them!  The tears flooded for a long time and I didn't want to leave the clinic at all. 

In all this excitement, we have had some sad news; Cory's dad passed away on August 23rd, 2013 after a 5 month battle with lung cancer.  He did chemo for a few months and it all went away, but about a month ago it came back and had spread to his lymph nodes.  He went into hospice on the 21st and they told us he had anywhere form 4 weeks to 4 months to live. However, after we got up there at 3:30 on Friday and were able to spend a few hours with him, he passed away peacefully. I am at a loss that he is actually gone and that he won't be here for Cory or our future child. However, I know he is in heaven watching over all of us and keeping his loved ones close. Cory spoke at his funeral and it was an incredibly powerful message and I am so proud of him.  He said his dad gave him courage, which I couldn't agree more.  

Well, school starts tomorrow and I have fixed feelings about it.  Normally I am really excited, but I know how stressful it can be and I just don't want it to be too stressful where it can jeopardize my health.  I am trying to come up with a plan where I can take 10-15 minutes out of my day to just be... take in all that God has blessed us with and listen to the sounds of stillness. I am excited for the school year, but I am also apprehensive, too.

Until next time, God bless...

Without further adieu, here are a few pictures of our baby bean!

He/she measured 2.08 cm, and by the end of the week, he/she should be 2.25 cm or 1 inch!

 

 

The heartbeat was 178, so I'm predicting a girl, but honestly, I don't care what gender it is :)

Dr. Thorn said we needed to have a circular yolk sac and he was impressed with baby bean's! Uff-dah

 

God's Little Blessing

Warning: BFP is mentioned in this blog post, so if this is hard to read, please do not hesitate to move along.  I have been here before and I know exactly what it feels like.

(This was written awhile ago, but I finally have the courage to post it... I feel like by posting it, I am going to jinx myself, but my readers deserve to know what is going on)

Holy batman I am pregnant! I can't believe it because I didn't think I would ever get to this point. This cycle started kind of goofy for me.  I thought I would ovulate on my own because at my appointment, Dr. T. said I was going to that night, so TI was a must, but then I never got a positive on my OPK.  Therefore, on Thursday the 11th, Dr. T had me come back in to check everything.  He said it is possible that I was ovulating right then, so he gave me the trigger shot and told me to "get making babies!"

The entire month of July I was hopeful for a couple of reasons.  Two years ago in July we got pregnant, but we miscarried, Taylor.  In addition, our second angel baby, Casey, was due on the 16th of July.  For these two reasons, I just prayed it would work.  I don't know why, but I never let myself get down or depressed this month because after my meditations through the poem, What God Meant, I had a different perspective on our difficult journey.

On the 20th, I started having lower back pain, but I chalked it up to sleeping on it wrong and didn't think too much into it.  On the 21st, I began to have major cramps, which I thought meant aunt Flo was coming. Of course I went on Google and many things said it could be implantation.  Could it be?  Well, on the 23rd, I took my first home pregnancy test and the double line was so faint that I had to squint to see it.  Regardless, it was positive! I called the clinic and they had me come in for a blood draw.  My hCG was only 12.5, meaning I had just gotten pregnant.  I went in two days later, the 25th, and it was 25, so it doubled, like it needed to do.  Then, I had to wait until the 31st to see if it was rising, which it was, and it was 175.  The number was still low, since most people don't even know they are pregnant at this time, so I went in on the 2nd and it was 488, so it more than doubled.  I had my final beta draw on the 7th and it was 3,171.  When I talk to the nurses, they always tell me "Congratulations," but yet it is hard to believe it!

One thing that is tough is that regardless of the fact that I am pregnant, part of me is always looking for something to go wrong. When I go to the bathroom, I check for blood.  When I eat, I pray I'll burp it up.  When I touch my boobs (may be TMI for some), I pray they are sore.  My previous miscarriages have completely robbed me of being able to truly enjoy this experience without being scared.  They have taken over my every thought and I hate it.  Regardless of the fact that these thoughts are in the back of my mind, I have hope for this pregnancy.  I believe God has a special plan for our little jelly bean and I am really trying to stay positive. 

I have been doing devotions for quite some time and these have really helped ease my mind.  One thing I find ironic is on the day I found out I was pregnant, my devotion verse was Psalm 30:2 "O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you ave healed me!" On my second blood draw, my devotion verse was 1 Peter 5:10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, conform, strengthen, and establish you!" Oh, and on the day I ovulated, it was Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I feel like these are little signs for God saying it will be okay! 

If you are reading this and I know you in real-life, please do not share this with anyone;  thank you for respecting this! As of today I am 7 weeks 3 days pregnant and our estimated due date is April 4th, 2014!

If you are still reading this, thank you.  Thank you for your support and love throughout everything.  I pray that God allows us to continue with this pregnancy and brings our little jelly bean home with us!  God bless all of you and I will continue to pray for you and your dreams.

Baby's first picture:

 

 Until next time... God bless

Breaking it Down Part Four...

Well, I've reached the last part of the poem, What God Meant, and I think it is one that I struggle with the most, but yet one that makes me the most excited.  These are the words to the last part:

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

I know God has this super special plan for me, and although I feel blessed that He has this plan for a select group of us, it is still hard to believe at times.  I truly believe that God knows how badly we long for a baby to hold in our arms, a toddler to play at the park with, a preschooler to teach the alphabet to, a school-aged child to help at night with his/her homework, a teenager to disagree with, and a college student to help pave his/her way. Obviously this is only a teeny glimpse of what parenting is like, but I know God knows how badly we want to be parents to a child on earth.  Since we (infertiles) have had to overcome so many obstacles to even get pregnant and become mommies, it is inevitable that no other fertile woman will ever be able to feel that sheer happiness and joy that we know we will have.  Is it bad to say that? Maybe. However, no one can judge unless they have been in our shoes and know the pain and heartache we have gone through.  

I truly cannot wait until the day our baby is placed in our arms whether it is through our own birth, surrogacy, or adoption.  I know God wants me to have a baby and be a mother, but His plans and timing are just a little different than my own.  My mom always says that I will be a mother to a baby on earth and I will have a child, and even though it is hard to always believe that, I do know that moms are always right :) I sure hope I get that "always right" gene whenever I have a child.  

This poem is one that has truly helped me throughout my journey.  Even though my journey is nowhere near being over, it is nice to look at this when I need comfort when I am feeling lost or sad. Thank you to the author of this poem because this poem has not only helped me, but many others, too.  

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

 Until next time... God bless!
  

Breaking it Down Part Three...

As I think about the next part of the poem, What God Meant, I can't help but think these statements are true for so many things in life and not just the journey I am on.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

As I think about this, there are many times I have had to take a different path in life or have been stuck in the middle of the road, without any clue as to which direction to go.  It was during those times that I had to put complete trust in God and the plan He had for me.  God has given me this challenge, or fork in the road, because He knows I am strong enough for it and He knows I will become a better person because of it.  What would life be like without any forks in the road or challenges? Wouldn't it be boring? Sure, it may be less painful, but it is through our pain that we learn who we really are and who is there for us no matter what.

I have always referred to our situation as a journey and it is through this journey, that we have had to make tough decisions, go through hard situations, and pave our own path,  for the hope that someday we will have our little one in our arms.  God did not mean that I won't have children, but He did mean that I would have to struggle a little more for it to happen.  God meant that my children will just take a little longer to get here, but they will be just as loved, if not more, than they ever would have been. 

So, whenever I am struggling or wondering "why" this had to happen, I just have to remind myself that God has a better plan to make me an even better person and mommy and I will not let Him down because He is the ultimate, our Savior, and the one who died for our sins to be forgiven.  Although His journey may be different than the one I had planned, ultimately, He knows what is best for me.  

Until next time, God bless!