Happy Due Date... in Heaven... 7/16

Dear Baby J #2,

It seems somewhat weird to write to you, just like it did when we wrote to Taylor, but I am your mommy and I felt the need to write to you. Today would have been the day you were expected to grace us with your beautiful presence, July 16th, 2013. When the doctor first told us your due date, I was excited because it was so close to your aunt Ashley's birthday, which is on the 26th. Secretly I was hoping the doctor was a little off and you would share the same birthday with my best friend and one of your favorite aunt. I wasn't looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in the summer, but I would have been pregnant for much longer if it would have meant that you could be with us today.

As I reflect back to the short 8 weeks we had you, I can't help but smile.  Like Taylor, we were so excited for you and we were so thankful that God had finally blessed us with another little one. However, I had a hard time getting too attached because I was scared we would lose you.  Regardless, your daddy was so excited he could hardly contain himself.  Despite being scared and afraid, I loved you and wanted so desperately to get to know you. What would you be like? Who would you look like? Would it be a quick labor? Or, would it take a long time? Would we have a lot of visitors? Would you love your nursery and the home you were going to be raised in? All of these, and then some, are questions that I wondered in your short 8 weeks with us. 

Like our first baby, Taylor, we felt the need to name you, so it seemed real and like it actually happened.  It may be hard for others to understand this, but it gives us reassurance/proof that you were a part of our life.  When deciding a name, it was hard to come up with a gender neutral name that was fitting for you. After thoughtful discussion, we came up with Casey. It seemed like a sweet, innocent name for a baby taken too soon.  So, from here on out, you are our Casey, our little one, our baby J #2. I love thinking of you and Taylor and the joy you filled my heart with. Although it was only a short amount of time, you were so loved by your daddy and me. 

Here is the only picture we have of you. The doctor said you are that beautiful little white image in the middle of the screen. What a beautiful baby, our baby!

This poem says it all...

We completely trust in our Lord and know that Jesus just wanted you in Heaven so He could enjoy you.  He has such great plans for you and we firmly believe in the plan He has for us.  Although it is hard for us to believe it at times, our Faith is what has gotten us through these difficult years.  I know that we will have a baby in our arms someday, and even though it is taking longer than expected, we know God has a hand in it.  I look forward to meeting you in heaven and I hope and pray you can enjoy the playground in heaven.  Your mommy and daddy love you so much and they miss you even more.  Please watch over us and continue to give us the strength to keep on trying.  

All our love,
Mommy and Daddy

Some People...

For the past two months, we have been adding things to the docket to hopefully bring a life into this world.  After blood work, it was determined that I don't ovulate on a normal cycle. Therefore, it takes us a lot longer to get pregnant (11 and 13 months). Obviously we want to speed up this process, so I have been taking Letrozole (femara) and Clomid.  These medications have awful side effects- hot flashes, mood swings, headaches, constipation- just to name a few, but it will all be worth it when we have our child in our arms. I have heard some people say that taking medications to increase your chances of pregnancy isn't natural or "God's plan," but I say, until you have been in our exact shoes, zip it! I don't care if your mother's mom's sister's ex best friend got pregnant naturally... my body no longer will, all because of my miscarriages.  Can you tell I get sick of hearing this? Regardless, I am so thankful for the modern day medications that are helping my body produce the follicles it needs to, because lets me honest, I NEED those follicles :) God has blessed many wonderful people with the gift of medicine and the ability to create medicines that can help others, so why not embrace it, instead of criticize it? I tell ya, some people...

I heard this song on Pandora and I just loved it:

 

Until next time... God bless!

Breaking it Down Part Two...

As I look at the second part in the poem, What God Meant, I can't help but think of all of the different technologies and medicines that have been developed to help women, and men, with infertility.  Here are the two lines I am referring to...

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

Before we miscarried, I never thought much about infertility prescriptions.  I knew the existed, since several of my friends were on them, but I didn't know much about them.  As time went on, I soon learned way more than I ever thought I needed to know.  I grew to become educated in IUI, IVF, TI, BD, Clomid, Femara, HCG Trigger Shot, FET, Follitism, Menopur, and the list goes on and on.  I'm not saying I've done all of these, but these are just a few of the things available to couples trying to conceive (TTC). 

I don't really have a lot to say about the different medicines, equipment, or procedures, other than I am thankful that God has blessed people with the ability to create these things.  Without doctors and scientists, many women would not be able to get pregnant.  Oftentimes, TTC feels like a science experiment, and although that may be true, we must be thankful for this science experiment and the geniuses behind the different medicines, procedures, and so forth.

I pray I never have to move on to the more scientific procedures, but if that time comes, I will thank God for the knowledge He has filled doctors and scientists with!

Until next time, God bless!

July Photo a Day Challenge

I'm not sure if many people read this blog, since I haven't "come out" online about our journey, but if you happen to be reading this, then welcome! A blogger over at Dreamingofdimples posted the July Photo a Day Challenge and I am going to participate in it.  I figured it would help me get through this month and it would help me deal with certain parts of the infertility journey that have been difficult.  I just created an Instagram account, so you can follow me if you want- katiejeanne26 

I have posted the picture below so you can see the different "challenges" for the day.  If you would like, you may also participate in the photo challenge, but make sure to tag #ttcphotoaday in the picture so it goes to the group. Enjoy!

Until next time... God bless!

Breaking it Down...

The poem, What God Meant, is something that has really opened my heart and helped me find peace within our current situation.  Every morning, before I get out of bed, I read my daily devotion and this poem.  These two things help me start my day out on the right track and they fill my heart with hope and joy.  As I read the poem, I see so many deep meanings that I want to dive into more and write about.  I figured I would break it down so I can write about why I LOVE this poem and why I truly believe God has a plan for us.

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

Before we miscarried, my husband, Cory, and I had a strong relationship.  We were good at communicating with each other, we had fun, and we had a love that was so powerful and filled me with such joy.  I didn't think our relationship could get any stronger, and I didn't think I could love him anymore, but that all changed the day we lost our babies.  When I heard the words, "I'm sorry, but your baby will not make it and your body is going to miscarry," my heart sunk.  I clung to Cory with my everything because I didn't know what else to do.  I cried. We cried. We got mad at God. We questioned everything. We held onto each other.  At this moment, I knew that it was going to be okay because I was going through this journey with my best friend, partner, and sidekick.  I know it is cliche to say it, but truly, I clung to the hope of Cory's words, "God has a plan for us and He just wants our baby to watch over us from heaven." Hearing these words from Cory, amongst the tears from both of us, made me realize that it will be okay because I am not alone in this journey.  This journey has truly brought us closer together because it has helped open our eyes to the little things in life and it has made us even better communicators, Christians, and partners.  Despite all difficulties, we have become a better team and better partners to each other, which ultimately, will only makes us better parents.

Every month that I get a negative test, my heart sinks a little bit more and my eyes well with tears.  When I tell Cory "It was negative," we both feel defeated.  Although I express it more outwardly, I know it hurts Cory, too.  However, he is always there with something positive to say and he strengthens my love for him even more and he helps me see the good in a crappy situation.  Even though we have been knocked down several times, we can never stay knocked down because we have each other to help us get back up; this is one of the best parts.  

Although infertility has been a huge part of our life, it is NOT our life.  We have two precious angel babies in heaven, watching over us, and helping us through our tough days.  We have a Father in heaven who has a plan for us and is just waiting for the plan to unfold. We have incredible parents who help us see the good in this world and who are there to listen to us whenever we need them. We have amazing friends who only want the best for us and will help us in any way possible to achieve our dreams.  BUT, the most important thing, is we have EACH OTHER, despite infertility and its obstacles. We are so BLESSED to have each other.

Until next time... God bless!

What God Meant...

I saw this post on another person's blog and I thought it was really good! Although I don't know why God has picked me for this journey, I do know He has a plan for me. It isn't easy for me to sit back and let God's plan unfold, but I am certainly trying to do that, since honestly, I don't really have another option...

What God Meant

Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Until next time... God bless!

We meet again, aunt Flo!

Ya know, I am really sick of meeting aunt Flo.  I mean I've never been a big fan of her, but now I really dislike hate her! I was able to start testing on Monday, the 27th, so of course I did.  It came back negative, so I tested again on the 28th, negative.  I didn't test on the 29th, because I felt like she was coming and I was right... she came today in the middle of work.  Part of my heart knew she was coming, but there was another part of me that had a little bit of hope that I was actually be pregnant, especially since it was just my birthday and that is all I wanted for my birthday.  Well, maybe for our anniversary next month? I am just so sad...

I am confused on this ovulating business.  When I went to Dr. T on the 13th, he said I had 3 mature follicles on one side and a few small ones on the other, as well as awesome lining.  He said I would probably ovulate within a day or two.  I had been testing, but it all came back negative.  When I got home late that night on the 13th, I tested and it came back positive, even though the morning test didn't.  Cory was already at work, so we missed that day.  My question is, did we miss that early window?  Obviously we took advantage of the next couple days, but is the day before ovulation and the first day of ovulation really important?  Should I be doing my Basal Body Temperature (BBT)?  I don't want to get too crazy with this, but I feel like for both months we missed the first day, so I'm wondering if that has something to do with it? Any ideas? I know I am more of a private blog and I haven't opened up to anyone close to me (besides a select few), but if you are reading this and you have an idea, can you please let me know? 

I called Dr. T to see what the next step is, so now we wait.  Tomorrow is the last day of school and I am ready for SUMMER! I was so sad to see my seniors leave, but knowing that I get these kiddos next year makes me want summer.  I need time away from kids, coworkers, and my classroom :) 

Well, until next time, God bless...